My fourth year of college is right around the corner and I wanted to bring up a time in my college career where I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like I was somewhere I shouldn’t be and somewhere that made me unhappy. Here’s an excerpt from something I wrote in 2015 when I was a Freshman.
October 10, 2015
I honestly didn’t think that I would be so sad the first couple weeks of college. I thought I was going to have the time of my life – having fun with freedom and meeting new people. Everything was the complete opposite of what I thought.
Once I stepped foot onto campus, I already felt out of place. Everything around me was so intimidating. I tried hiding it from my mom during move-in day, but on the inside I was freaking out. I’m a sociable person, but something inside me triggered and my introverted side took over me. I mean, it’s hard to explain, but I’m both an introvert and extrovert – maybe leaning more towards introvert. I’m always outgoing with my friends back home, but I guess seeing new people scared me.
As the first few weeks passed by, everyone started to make their friend groups and I felt sad because I didn’t. Although I did make some good friendships, they had their main group that they would always hang out with and I wasn’t part of it so I started to feel very lonely.
Once school started, it took my mind off of things and I focused on my schoolwork, but then walking alone made me contemplate more about feeling lonely. It felt horrible. The my second week rolled by and I already had a speech and two midterms to study for. Since I’m on the quarter system the pace is fast and I wasn’t used to it. I was so stressed and sad that I felt like I started to become depressed. I wouldn’t leave my dorm room. I would just sleep. I started to hate it in college. It was a culture shock, I didn’t have friends, and I didn’t know how to cope with it.
After talking on the phone with my grandparents, I bursted into tears not even expecting myself to cry. It was comforting talking to them though. Then the next day I talked to my mom and she told me that I needed to think of positive outcomes and not make up reasons to hate what I was going through. Keeping that in mind, I tried to change my mentality. Instead of complaining about my midterms, I just needed to study hard and get it over with. For friends, I started to get closer to my suitemate and we ended up being really similar.
Everything started to fall into place. After loooooong hours of studying my butt off, I took my midterms and presented my speech and felt confident about it. I don’t know what grade I received, but I think I did good enough to get a decent grade so I’m not stressing. I also created a closer bond with my suitemate. After my third week ended, I felt much more happy. I realized that I just needed to ignore my insecure thoughts about not fitting in. I needed to manage my time wisely for my academics, but I also needed to make time to do activities that made me happy. Most importantly, I needed to keep an optimistic mindset and take on challenges as they come.
College is going to be interesting, but I need to mentally prepare myself for all the challenges I will face. I don’t know if I’m ready for them – I’m kind of scared, but it’s inevitable. I just need to know that I am strong enough to persevere.
So after I wrote this, I did try to do things that made me happy. I loved cats so I figured I’d volunteer at a cat shelter, but that didn’t turn out the way I wanted to. I complained about the shelter smelling and was scared of cats scratching me. I know pathetic at the time. I look back and I do know now that I was there for the cats- not myself, but at the time I was trying to do something for myself. I’m not trying to sound selfish, but in a time where I needed to do things to make myself happy and to try getting myself out of a rut, I wasn’t mentally prepared to help others. I would definitely go back and volunteer because I’m way more mentally prepared now. That didn’t work so I tried gyming and joining a sorority, but then I still felt lonely. So, at that time I fell back into my continuous negative thoughts about college and Cal Poly and became so negative about my time there. It got so bad I thought about actually dropping out. I was so close to deciding to calling it a quits, BUT my mom put me in my place and said I was going there for education and it would be stupid to throw that opportunity away.
How ever the events played out after this, things started to turn around for the better. I stumbled upon one of my scholarship counselors, Justin and he told me about this initiative that was launching in 2016. It is called Multicultural Business Program and he told me I should apply for a position as an assisted learning supporter to help launch the program. Fast forward and I was offered the position. This time, I didn’t bail like how I bailed on the cats. This program not only helped me get out of my rut, but I’ve gained another family in college along with many genuine friendships. I was able to grow as a person and help myself while also helping other underrepresented minorities on campus. The Multicultural Business Program is truly the light that entered my life when I was going through the toughest times. I cannot express enough how grateful and appreciative I am for this program. One thing I hold on to as well is that I was part of starting a legacy on campus helping others, and that warms my heart every single time.
If it wasn’t for my mom keeping me in check and for my counselor crossing my path- also my roomie, Andrea, for being with me through it all Freshman year, I have no idea where I would be right now. Looking back I have changed and grown so much and all I know is that things truly do happen for a reason. Everything is as it should be.
